At The Art Gallery Of Ontario, I experienced a panic attack that changed the course of my future. When I as around 10 I experienced my first attack during a movie, like I mentioned in my bio, but here was the beginning of a series of attacks that would last months. Here I am going to describe the attack in great detail, then describe what I started doing to get rid of these attacks for good.
The Panic Attack
I was with my girlfriend at the Art Gallery of Ontario. We were viewing an exhibit when I started to feel quiet funny. My palms got sweaty and heart started beating really fast. I then started to wander away from her pretending to look at the other pieces but really paying close attention to my sensations. Then I started ‘what if’ thinking: “What if I am having a heart attack? What if I am going to throw up in front of all these people? What if my girlfriend thinks I’m acting weird? What if I have to leave here to go home because I don’t feel well?” This went on in my head as I was putting on a mask pretending to be okay. I was focused on my heart and the tingly sensations in my arm. I was so internal and filled with worry that I thought I seriously had something wrong with me (because I never felt these feelings before). I told her I needed to sit down because I wasn’t feeling so good.
While on the bench I put my head on her shoulder to try and relax. She but her hand on my pulse and said that my heart was racing and then she got worried. Then I started to panic even more because I then for sure thought that I was seriously ill. Security came and started worrying about my well being and brought me water. I was literally terrified and couldn’t even move. I was so light headed that I thought I was going to faint any second. I told her that I needed to leave the place and take a walk. Then I did, trying to maintain my balance as I was walking out of the room.
I called my folks. I told them what was happening and that I was freaking out. They told me I was just panicking and that I need to take deep breaths and relax. I was on the phone with them for a half hour using them as comfort in a time of need. After getting off the phone I went to meet up with my girlfriend. I felt like I couldn’t walk, I felt embarrassed, and I felt emotionally depleted. I spent another hour with her as we went to get tea but I was too focused internally on my sensations that I couldn’t enjoy my time and kept wanting to leave. I felt absolutely defeated and after I left and got back home, my safe place, I could finally relax. I did, but not for long.
I was starting a 2 week workshop for camera assisting at Sheridan College 2 days after the Art Gallery ordeal. When I first walked into that class I was so focused internally that I couldn’t associate with anyone. Within 15 minutes of sitting there, I began to have another attack and was afraid that I would have to leave during class. I thought I would have to drop out of the program and forget about my dreams of working in the film industry. I got through the class with bravery and looking back at it, I don’t know how I did it. I literally spent 8 hrs that day in a severe state of panic but I couldn’t leave. I knew deep down that I wanted to complete this course and move on with my life. I completed it, but during those two weeks, I had panic strike me everyday.
The Cycle of Panic:
Thoughts – “What if I…”
Emotions – Anxiousness, Fear, Anger
Physical Sensations – heart palpitations, dizziness, headaches, chest pains, lump in the throat feeling, back pain, tingly in the hands, shaking
Behaviours – Running out of the room, calling a loved one (for reassurance), touching parts of your body where you feel sensations
(it repeats)
Starting my recovery was challenging. I wanted to better my life and get rid of this anxiety for good. Now I talked before in a earlier blog post about the steps needed to get over anxiety, so I am going to talk about what you need to do when you have an attack.
First thing is, understand that it is anxiety causing these sensations. Every time I feel strange and start to worry, I go back to the thought of, “it is just my anxiety. It’s uncomfortable but not life threatening.” Start getting your conscious mind working. Start saying to yourself:
“If it is going to kill me then so be it.”
“Who cares if people see me sweating, it is perspiration. My body is getting rid of bad toxins”
“I am feeling woosy because I am anxious. I have never thrown up when I had anxiety and I won’t now.”
“I am just going to give in and not fight it. The more I give it emotion, the more I will panic.”
The truth is, when we give those nasty thoughts emotions, the more we centre ourselves around them and panic. I remember the time when I was sitting in a quiet theatre filled with people and watching a symphony and I starting having a huge attack. I was terrified that I was going to have to get up and leave because of my sensations. I then said, “No, I am not going to run away. The only way to get over this is to face it head on. Ride the wave.” I started to feel more loose in my body. Then I told myself that I am going to accept these feelings and if it kills me, let it! What do you know, I didn’t die, just like the other dozen times.
Every time we have an attack we say, “okay this is the one thats going to kill me.” But it is never the case. Never run away from an attack no matter where you are. In order to overcome it, you must STAY and you must RIDE THE WAVE. Every time you do this, you are reprogramming your brain.
In Summary:
– Bring about positive self talk with the conscious mind
– Stay, do not run
– Do not call anyone
– Ride the Wave
Every anxious opportunity is a chance for growth. Every time you prove your anxious self wrong, you become more in tune with your warrior side. And remember, write every breakthrough in your nightly journal.